Daddy part II

I really feel like the biggest jackass of all time. Around 6 o' clock on August 15th I was in a lobby and not by my father's side along with my mother, brothers, and his sister when he took his last breath. Because I was so awkwardly uncomfortable with seeing him in such a state. I realize now that I should have just sucked that shit up and done it anyway. I didn't think about how it looked behind his eyes. Analyzing one by one those beside him, trying to finish off his thought before the countdown of his heart ended. One by one...
~His loving sister
~His dearest wife
~His beloved two sons
~And...?

1 beat


A second more faint beat


The last....

Socially Unacceptable

"Ever feel like the invisible one in the minds and eyes of others that you want to be clear as day to? I definately do."

~ Ever since I can remember barely anyone has ever perceived me the way they should or the way I want them to. In the mental pictures or others i'm the "Who's missing?" puzzle. And when my perceived group of friends is considered by another i'm almost always the empty bullet of the list. I guess I can say I've never felt belonged to a group of friends based on things said by others. To be more specific I just recently read "I'd rather sit near Pap, M, and Edem." I sit next to them, I consider myself a part of that group but it seems someone shook the Etch-A-Sketch of my face. Even at my father's funeral almost everyone who went up to say something about my father would mention my mother and my brothers...and never me even if I was clearly sitting in between my brothers RIGHT in front of them. (Well actually I think that's just because my family fucking sucks)Most say i'm never acknowledged because of my voice. My ever so low and weird voice. I can't fucking help that. I don't like talking loudly, I've never talked loudly. I don't expect to. I feel very uncomfortable when I raise my voice. It's not a medical thing...It's a personal decision, just one of those things i DON'T like to do probably caused by something that happened to me in younger days. Noone seems to understand that. It's so bad that I actually get so angry when someone makes fun of my voice that it's barely apparent. Especially when i'm actually punished for it. My father always used to scold me when I talked too low. It may be #1 on the list of things that induces murderous intentions inside me.
~ This has always been a problem in my life...and will probably continue to be because i REFUSE to raise my voice because it's made fun of. But today I felt I should express it, knowing that nothing anyone says will help it.
~ I guess I care a lot about what people think...to the point where it seems otherwise.



~And so
I guess I just wish that more people would acnkowledge me for the things that make me love myself rather than those things that sometimes make me hate myself.